on sweet nectar and dreams

i've just discovered that drinking caffeinated beverages after 4pm gives me really strange dreams. i probably have really strange dreams all the time, but when i drink diet coke, i actually remember them, probably because i don't sleep as well. who knew?

true confessions

i might be turning into a morning person.

and i kind of like it.

except when i don't.

another deep thought

if you ever try to make your own chocolate diet coke, don't use powdered quik or you'll have a carbonated volcano spewing chocolate lava all over your kitchen. and it doesn't even taste good.

image by lauren diaz

since you asked...

...the closing walk and talk went really well.

lots of people came.

i said some stuff.

the good days are still winning.

can we pretend?

you know what "they" say, if you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans. i hate them a little bit right now. i kind of get the idea that the universe is ganging up on me. it's not that anything particularly terrible has happened. just life: my heart broke. it's ok, i've got glue. my employer dropped me from the group health insurance. it's ok, i'll buy a plan myself. my grandpa died. it's ok, he was 85 and lived a happy life.

but sometimes the irony of the universe that i usually find so amusing is not so funny when i'm the butt of the joke. you know, when the plan that makes god laugh gets severely thwarted from all sides and you have to go to plan x because you've already gone through plans a-w and you worry what's going to happen when you get to plan z, which you assume won't work because plans a-y didn't and you realize you should've been using numbers all along because they're infinite. you know? and this realization comes rather painfully like driving full speed into a brick wall because it seemed to all be working out so perfectly according to plan whatever-letter-it-was, complete with nods of spiritual confirmation from the big guy and then, as sherry carpet once said so succinctly, free will kicks my butt again.

so i have some conversations with that being who's probably simultaneously rolling his eyes and chuckling at (with?) this prideful little mortal daughter of his as she tries to wheedle, cajole, bargain and finally submit to his all-knowing plan. (can i at least see it? please?)

perhaps this is an abrahamic test - when one is asked to relinquish truly righteous desires in the name of god. (melodramatic much, ann?) like abraham and sarah raising the miracle child isaac, through whom the covenants of god would be fulfilled, and then being asked to sacrifice him to the very being who gave them this gift in the first place. its a story i'm still not sure i'm comfortable with. i guess the upside is that abraham didn't have to sacrifice isaac after all - he just had to be willing to - and the lord did fulfill his promises, but only after abraham climbed the mountain, placed his cherished gift on the altar and raised the knife.

so maybe i'm still climbing my mountain (it ain't about how fast i git there, right). maybe i haven't placed my gift on the altar yet. maybe i don't have the heart to raise the knife or maybe i haven't even received said gift(s). it's all very confusing. and until i figure all that business out, i will stock up on sweet sweet nectar of the gods, a few choice scriptures, some words from the wise, a lot of books and several sleeves of double stuff oreos...

and pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars cause i could really use a wish right now.

the nerve

so i went to ALL the trouble of dragging myself to the airport and spending hours in transit only to be abandoned by my family. apparently there's something called work in which some people prefer to indulge. so i'm eating copious amounts of sweets and watching good things utah (and trying not to put a pen through my eye). 

and there's diet coke with lime EVERYWHERE. 

i know. my life is so hard.

it's good to be home.

oh crap

so i discovered that the mint tea i've been drinking every morning and all day every day is actually black tea with mint leaves, not herbal tea. no wonder i didn't have dc withdrawls. now i am, though. and chocolate withdrawls, too.

suckfest 2008

this post is dedicated to sherry carpet, who is the only one who's voted as of 10:48 pm est.

ok. i'm not sure who the andersons are, or why they suck, but apparently they do. another friend of mine joined the revolution; apparently it's cool. and since i rock, here are 20 reasons why i suck. keep in mind, this is not an attempt to get you to tell me how wonderful i am (i already know that i rock - try to listen), just an attempt at being real.

1 - i really dislike judgemental people. sometimes i really don't like people at all. especially when said people are a large mob of lds singles. they give me anxiety.
2 - i am very judgemental, particularly of judgemental people.
3 - i pretty much always think i'm right.
4 - i'm very selfish. i talk a lot about myself, but don't always bother to ask the other person about him/herself. i suck at turning off lights, doing my dishes, not leaving my stuff lying around, locking the top bolt on the door, taking out the trash, cleaning in general...i have become THAT roommate (my excuse...see #12).
5 - i don't sleep enough, and then complain that i'm tired all the time.
6 - i am over indulgent and/or have no self control. i can't go a day without chocolate and diet coke.* in fact, i think my diet consists of 2 parts diet coke, 1 part sugar, 1 part whatever i can scrounge out of the fridge/cupboard, with a healthy dose of tv. not that i have time to watch tv.
7 - i have major pack-rat tendancies. i don't clean up after myself and thus can't find anything...the stamp i KNOW i've seen in the recent past, the black tablecloth i want to use in my studio, my keys, my phone...yesterday i left them in the studio bathroom and a fellow artist returned them to me. she washed her hands first.
8 - i procrastinate everything. even things that will make me happy, like scheduling a massage. "i'll do it tomorrow..."
9 - i'm very easily distracted.
10 -
11 - i rarely finish projects that i start. i like to plan them, but not finish them. it takes too long. (see #9)
12 - i always think i can do more in a day than is humanly possible, even for superwoman. thus, the boring parts of my extensive don't get completed. as a result, i have not been grocery shopping in a month nor done laundry, but know who won project runway (see #6), went dancing, caught up with a friend, and applied for a job.
13 - i play devil's advocate even if i disagree what i'm advocating, particularly if i think the person is misinformed, or i think they're giving a knee-jerk response or if i just don't like their tone.
14 - as my childhood friend laura used to tell me, i think i'm funny when i'm not. but even when i'm not, i still think i am. and sometimes i think being mean is funny.
15 - i'm over-sensitive and pick apart every insult, slight and backhanded comment, but don't necessarily think twice about the ones i've handed out over the years.
16 - i speak in absolutes even though it annoys me when other people (like newscasters) do it.
17 - i correct people's grammar. and grammar/spelling errors in ads. i mean, seriously, people...if you're going to publish something to millions of people, do you really want to look like an idiot?
18 - i eat baby animals. and i don't really feel bad. maybe a little bit. but really, is it any worse to eat a baby than it is to eat its mother? i submit to you that it is not. also, i saw a t-shirt once that said, "meat is murder...tasty tasty murder" and i thought it was funny.
19 - i stress out about driving anywhere/anyplace i'm unfamiliar. my least favorite thing to do is drive around in an unfamiliar area, in an unfamiliar car (like a rental) looking for someplace i'm not sure exits, particularly using googlemaps. once i took a classmate's head off when i was driving for a school trip. not literally.
20 - i suck at moderation. yesterday i ate a half bag of dove dark chocolates before noon. today i ate the rest. before 10am. i cannot limit my intake of anything. as soon as i tell myself i'm setting a limit, i immediately want more. so when i tell myself, only 20 oz of dc today, i, of course drink 60, even though the past few days i've only had as much as 24 oz.

so that's it for now. there are more. probably some you're thinking of right now...i just won't admit to them. :P

*I have given up diet coke and all other forms of caffeine (except maybe excedrin) see counter below...**


**update: i couldn't find a counter that starts at a particular date and counts up the number of days/hours/seconds i've been without caffeine. so. i will just tell you. i have been caffeine free as of sunday october 19 at approximately 11am. we're excluding chocolate from this particular endeavor.

my eye is twitching

i just spent the last hour trying to customize my blog. and i'm very frustrated with the lack of options.  just when i get the colors to harmonize, i decide i need a new template. then i have to redo the colors. and then the fonts aren't quite right. or the page elements aren't balanced properly. or this link stands out too much. or i can't see the blog titles. or something's too bright and it just throws the whole thing off. and my title is still in the wrong place and it makes me shudder when i look at it.  and also, i need a coke.  meh*

*my texas roommates and i used to use this when there were just no words left to describe our stress or desperation. the diaz trio seems to have a similar fake word.  theirs is pretty good, too.